areyoureadytotalk-instructions

Step 2: Map your identities

Your sense of yourself that comes from being a member of certain groups — your social identities — shapes how you think and feel about many topics. The Identities Map below (or here) will help you think about your own and other people’s social identities.

My Identities Map

Click on as many squares as you like. When you complete your selections, click “Create Snapshot.” Then answer the questions below.

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Step 3: Identify your hot buttons

Your “hot buttons” are those issues, words, stories, or other things that trigger a sudden and strong emotional response in you. Some hot buttons can leave you feeling distracted and overwhelmed, interfering with your ability to participate in or lead discussions. It’s important to know what your hot buttons are so that you can manage them.

To identify and manage your hot buttons, complete the Hot Buttons Worksheet below. (If you have trouble viewing the worksheet in your browser, complete it here.)

Step 4: Learn the LARA method for tense talks

LARA stands for Listen, Affirm, Respond, and Ask Questions. The LARA method builds respect and common ground between people in conversation, allowing you to explore your differences more openly and honestly. LARA is especially useful when people feel that their hot buttons have been triggered. Practice LARA yourself and introduce it to groups you plan to facilitate.

Here’s how to use LARA:

Listen very carefully.

• Set aside your own agenda. Make your goal to learn what the speaker thinks and feels, not to change what the speaker thinks and feels.
• Pay special attention to the speaker’s feelings.
• Aim to understand what the speaker means, not just exactly what they say.

Affirm a feeling or value you share with the speaker. This not only makes the person feel heard and understood, but also builds common ground between you.

To affirm the speaker’s feelings, use phrases like:

• “What I hear you saying is…”
• “I sense that you feel…”
• “It seems like you feel…”

Examples of shared values affirmations include:

• “I sense we share the desire to do what is right”
• “I appreciate your honesty”
• “It seems we both care deeply about our children’s futures”
• “We both seem to agree that killing people is wrong”
• “I agree with what you said about…”

Respond directly to the concerns or questions the speaker has raised. You may often hear debaters and politicians “talk past” a speaker in order to control the conversation and deliver their talking points. But if you want to sincerely explore your differences, you should show respect by taking the speaker’s concerns seriously and addressing them directly.

In responding to the speaker, avoid labeling or attacking them. Also, avoid portraying your perspectives as universal truths or facts. Instead, use “I-statements” to frame your responses. I-statements include I feel, I believe, I think, I read, I learned in school, and so on.

Consider the good vs. bad responses below:

• “I’ve read many scientific studies suggesting that race is a social construction, not a biological fact” vs. “Science shows that race is a myth, and anyone who doesn’t believe this is simply ignorant.”
• “When you say that women are inferior, I feel angry” vs. “You are sexist.”
• “I have read in the Bible that people suffer because God is punishing them” vs. “People suffer because God is punishing them.”

Ask questions or add information.

Open-ended questions help you gain a better understanding of the other person’s perspective. They also demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in an exchange of information, not just working to win your point.

• “How did that make you feel?”
• “Why do you think you reacted that way?”
• “How did you reach that conclusion?”

Only after you have listened to and understood the speaker’s concern can you add additional information, such as a personal story or opinion.

Continue using LARA until tensions lessen. Remember, discussing differences takes skill, so if it doesn’t go perfectly the first time, keep practicing.

See Also

Liddle, K. (2009). Despite our differences: Coming out in conservative classrooms. Feminism & Psychology, 19(2), 190-193.

Tinker, B. (2004). LARA: Engaging Controversy with a Non-violent, Transformative Response, workshop handout available by request from info@LMFamily.org.

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Step 5: Have or lead a discussion about difference

Use the PASK, Identities Map, and Hot Buttons Worksheet to think about how your skills, experiences, and identities might shape your conversation or your role as a facilitator. Remember to use the LARA method when tensions arise.

Offer these tools to your conversation partner or teach them to your group.

Consider writing out, rehearsing, and even role-playing the discussion you want to have. If you are facilitating a group, practice the skills before, during, and after teaching them to the group. Everyone makes mistakes in the process, but continued practice will build your skills and confidence.

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Step 6. Share your story here (optional)

Describe your experiences using this toolkit on the Stories From the Field page. We may contact you and ask to feature your story on this website.

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