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LARA: Listen, Affirm, Respond, and Ask Questions
The LARA Method for Managing Tense Talks
LARA stands for Listen, Affirm, Respond, and Ask Questions. The LARA method builds respect and common ground between people in conversation, allowing you to explore your differences more openly and honestly. LARA is especially useful when people are feeling that their hot buttons have been triggered. Practice LARA yourself and introduce it to groups you plan to facilitate. The Are You Ready to Talk? toolkit features LARA.
Here’s how to use LARA:
Listen very carefully.
- Set aside your own agenda. Make your goal to learn what the speaker thinks and feels, not to change what the speaker thinks and feels.
- Pay special attention to the speaker’s feelings.
- Aim to understand what the speaker means, not just exactly what they say.
Affirm a feeling or value you share with the speaker. This not only makes the person feel heard and understood, but also builds common ground between you.
To affirm the speaker’s feelings, use phrases like:
- “What I hear you saying is…”
- “I sense that you feel…”
- “It seems like you feel…”
Examples of shared values affirmations include:
- “I sense we share the desire to do what is right”
- “I appreciate your honesty”
- “It seems we both care deeply about our children’s futures”
- “We both seem to agree that killing people is wrong”
- “I agree with what you said about…”
Respond directly to the concerns or questions the speaker has raised. You may often hear debaters and politicians “talk past” a speaker in order to control the conversation and deliver their talking points. But if you want to sincerely explore your differences, you should show respect by taking the speaker’s concerns seriously and addressing them directly.
In responding to the speaker, avoid labeling or attacking them. Also, avoid portraying your perspectives as universal truths or facts. Instead, use “I-statements” to frame your responses. I-statements include I feel, I believe, I think, I read, I learned in school, and so on.
Consider the good vs. bad responses below:
- “I’ve read many scientific studies suggesting that race is a social construction, not a biological fact” vs. “Science shows that race is a myth, and anyone who doesn’t believe this is simply ignorant.”
- “When you say that women are inferior, I feel angry” vs. “You are sexist.”
- “I have read in the Bible that people suffer because God is punishing them” vs. “People suffer because God is punishing them.”
Ask questions or add information.
Open-ended questions help you gain a better understanding of the other person’s perspective. They also demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in an exchange of information, not just working to win your point.
- “How did that make you feel?”
- “Why do you think you reacted that way?”
- “How did you reach that conclusion?”
Only after you have listened to and understood the speaker’s concern can you add additional information, such as a personal story or opinion.
Continue using LARA until tensions lessen. Remember, discussing differences takes skill, so if it doesn’t go perfectly the first time, keep practicing.
See Also
Liddle, K. (2009). Despite our differences: Coming out in conservative classrooms. Feminism & Psychology, 19(2), 190-193.
Tinker, B. (2004). LARA: Engaging Controversy with a Non-violent, Transformative Response, workshop handout available by request from info@LMFamily.org.
